If you can’t win, lose spectacularly!

I don’t know about you, but personally I really enjoyed Eurovision 2021, well done to the Netherlands for pulling it off so well! The staging of Eurovision can never be easy, but all the extra faff whilst keeping up the spectacularity of it too? It was a real triumph after the last year and all it’s toils, people coming together and working towards a unifying goal. The cheers and support in the room when James Newman decided to stand up and own his nul points clearly showed the solidarity felt by all those there. The tension as the results of the public vote locked one country after another into their final scores; the shock, the disbelief, the elation on display was electric (probably the biggest surprise for me was the lack of public votes for Malta, only 47 points!). I just really didn’t want the Swiss song to win, so that was my moment of joy, I quite fancied France to win, but hey, I’m happy Italy took it home.

Afterwards, on Sunday the autopsy began, too late of course for the Sunday papers, but online the vultures were up and circling around, by Monday the pitchforks were out. You could be forgiven for thinking the UK, as a one, hates Eurovision if you look at the comments on social media – funny how the haters always shout the loudest, or seem to, the rest of us just don’t really bother responding to their bile, like it would change their minds, ha! They’re not the smartest bunch but they are often very egotistical. Dearies, Europe doesn’t hate you, Europe voted for songs they liked, Europe was indifferent to the UK entry, to say Europe hates us is rather conceited to think they think that much about us!

Many were taking our nul points very personally. Why didn’t the UK get anything from the Judges Panels? Well, there were 26 countries competing in the Final and each panel had 10 scores to award, so every time 16 countries received nul points; it’s not that inconceivable that at least one country won’t get any points. Germany and Spain didn’t make it to double figures, and they got nul points from the Public same as us. I really felt for the Netherlands – our genial hosts and they didn’t muster any love from the Public. I wonder, are the Press and social media in other countries as bad as ours? Looking for someone to blame for a poor showing. Brexit, of course, was mentioned time and time again as the reason for all the “hate”, as one wag said, “Some people would blame Brexit for it raining in a British summer”, he’s right, they would.

There’s always the moan that it’s all political now (duh, it’s been political for ages), and, oh, those countries always vote for their neighbours (agreed Greece and Cyprus always get full marks from each other). So it couldn’t just be that songs on the continent get heard more widely? The singers and bands chosen to represent their countries will also be popular in neighbouring countries, the songs will have had plenty of radio airtime spreading them far and wide. Watching how the scores panned out I actually think there was less political voting than there’s ever been, this was Eurovision back on, people were just voting for what they liked. The UK song only made 22nd on my score sheet! It wasn’t good Eurovision fare, it wasn’t ticking many of the necessary boxes (like, how could I give much for what he was wearing?! performance ok, panache, none).

The boxes? Well, this year I had boxes for the song, the visuals (outfit and backgrounds), the performance and pazzazz; out of 15 each for the first three, 5 points max for pazzazz, so a total of 50 to go for. No, Eurovision isn’t just about the songs, it’s about the spectacle, the look, performance, a special sparkle, well it is for me. A great song may not shine because of a poor performance, but a poor song delivered with oomph and panache can soar. As Billy Flynn sings in Chicago, “Give ’em the old razzle dazzle, razzle dazzle ’em.” Yes, I do happen to take my scoring seriously, go ahead, my friends always ribbed me about it. I also make little notes about particulars….

Russia had, “Ye gods! The start!” Norway got, “Captain Sensible with wings and devil guards” Germany has a scrawled,”Yay! Sparkly ukulele, quirky, tap dancing” (see there’s performance and pazzazz there), Finland was, “V different, a good moshing song.” I took snapshots of the telly showing the results of the Judges scores and the Final scores, and I noted the Public scores. Interesting facts that appeared before my eyes – Greece performed 10th and then came 10th with the Judges, Public and Overall (I broke the run with 7th); the Netherlands did the same in 23rd (24th for me). My top 3? Portugal 3rd, Malta 2nd and France 1st.

So can the UK ever win again? Not while they try to write a Eurovision song, just a good pop song would be better. And not sung by the usual type, go for someone fun, known in Europe, not a ballad, good old rock’n’roll, a toe-tapper. If we have to go big and ballady, then get Jack Savoretti to do it! Come on, Candlelight would have been perfect! Otherwise, I reckon I know a great wee band who write cracking songs with wide appeal, a throwback sound of the 60s beloved by many on the continent as the band’s trips over to Germany, Italy and Netherlands can attest. Hey, and when Scotland gets independence, if Scotland wants it’s own Eurovision entry, the lads would be the perfect choice. Would they do it? Hmmm. See, I’m ready for it, Eurovision goes psychedelic!

Groovy, baby!