How to entice a spark back

Hello! Sorry but I’ve lost my spark, I don’t know where I put it, or even when I last had it, honestly I’ve looked everywhere, so I’m just going to start writing, hope it takes pity on me and makes an appearance. There’s still this year’s Brucies to announce, you know, the Bruce On The Fringe Fringe Awards, this is something I really need my spark back for, to come up with award categories. So I’m just gonna waffle about anything that pops into my head or that I can find scrawled in my notebook – still reading are you? Hahaha.

Notebook scrawls, I have plenty of those, quick notes written to remind myself of bits in shows, written with only the briefest glances down into the gloom. Often ineligible in the light and occasionally written over other notes that I didn’t notice were already on the page. Sometimes I’ll write a line thinking it will good a starting place, yeah, umm, what was that about? Those scrawls can be sitting there a long time, but recently I got tough and ripped plenty out. One still in there – do you enjoy laughing?

That line, do you enjoy laughing, was asked me by a flyerer. She was so lucky I didn’t pause to give a reply, I think I was on my way somewhere so dismissed the temptation as I didn’t have any time to spare. See, it immediately took me back years ago to when a friend of a friend told me I would like some band or other because – well, I like music, ergo, I’d like that music. What!?!? Huh? Our mutual friend managed to keep a straight face, inwardly howling with laughter as he knew I would hate them (I could see it in his eyes as he held back the tears). Back to the flyerer, I remember thinking as I strode away that I could have replied, “What makes you think your show’s funny enough to make anyone laugh?” Ouch, mean that, I kinda surprised myself, on the other hand, had I had the time to chat, a valid question.

Yes, I’ve seen the bloody rain – probably written one night in Whistlebinkies. This is about the old Creedence Clearwater Revival song, up there with I’m A Believer as songs I wouldn’t miss if I never heard them again, on the other hand, within a set of music that I do want to hear, it provides time for a loo break. See, I do look for the positives! Oh, and I don’t dislike either song, just, nah.

Did you know that in Holyrood Park there’s a patch of raspberry canes? Not a big patch, but not tiny either, reckon if I go at just the right time of year I could pick enough for a few jars of jam and the odd pie. Yes, I’ve made a note on my calendar to go check it out next summer; and no, I’m not going to divulge it’s exact location (they’re mines!!) And on the Park, I just noticed the other day that the fences were away from the start of the Radical Road at the Powderhouse Corner end, yay (quite how long I’ve been walking past without noticing, well!) It’s just reopened as far as the old quarry, with plenty of warning signs everywhere. I’ve been wandering up to the top of Salisbury Crags for the beautiful skies at dusk, a tad scary once it gets darker (it would have been for the no-doubt magnificent sunsets, if I could just get the timing right).

Oo, must mention how brave I was at Cineworld a couple of weeks ago. I was there to see Hope, a Korean monster sci-fi movie. It was midafternoon, only a few in, two of those few kept bloody talking to each other, just loud and often enough to put a dent on my enjoyment. One chap a few rows in front of them did move across the room, I vaguely considered it but I was in a great spot so felt disinclined to give up such a prime location. Another guy got up and went over to tell them to shut up, they did, for about five minutes. Emboldened by his action, I decided it was time to make a stand myself (here I should mention I was in the row behind them about eight or nine seats along), so I snuck along to right behind them … “Will you two either shut the fuck up or fuck off!” Oh, how they jumped, I gave them the meanest glare I could muster and went back to my seat. Reader, not another peep was heard!

Nearly time to sleep, hopefully I’ll keep the momentum going and write again tomorrow. Maybe I can build up to announcing the winners of this year’s Brucies at the weekend, hmmm, as the clocks go back, Bruce takes a look back at this year’s Fringe, oh yes, that sounds good. But like I said before, I haven’t even decided on categories yet; see back in 2022 I was inspired by the wonderfully bonkers ACMS Awards, it was like the culmination of a month of absurdities, my spark was crackling, fizzing with all kinds of silly. Ho hum. Goodnight!

View over to the southside of town from St Leonards Crag
The view at dusk from Salisbury Crags

From the sublime to the ridiculous

I’ve been under the weather somewhat since the end of Fringe. First my throat, then after what seemed like a full recovery, bam, my sinuses mutinied, usually the two run alongside a wee while before passing the baton. Not this time, just far enough apart for some false hope, but also a chance to the Scat Rats on Wednesday midnight at Whistlebinkies; by seven the following evening I was in no fit state to see the Rats again in Stramash, boo. At least I had the immense pleasure of a spur of the moment rendition of Fantastic Man (a song by William Onyeabor that Logan’s Close made a cover video of during one of the lockdowns), I do hope they play it again sometime.

The last couple of days Facebook memories have reminded me that it’s the time when I’ve previously announced the Brucies. What’s the Brucies? They’re the Bruce on the Fringe Fringe Awards, I was inspired after attending the ACMS Awards in 2022 (a silly, nonsensical, absurd event hosted by the Tuck); so just a light-hearted look back at my Fringe (it didn’t happen last year, those reading my blog at the time know why). And so without further ado…

Mesdames et monsieurs, ceux entre et ceux au-delà, bienvenue! The awards that nobody asked for, and mean absolutely nothing to anyone (except the little mooselets in my head), I give you the Bruce on the Fringe Fringe Awards 2025. Ta-dar!!

The Sublime: The Other Mozart

Most August: Thom Tuck

Best Veg-Rom-Dram: Tale of a Potato

Best Supporting Sidekick: Swimothy

Best Evening in an Afternoon: An Evening with Dame Granny Smith

Best Badge: Will & Noah: Too Much Time on Their Phones

Most Suave and he knows it: Troy Hawke

Best Musical Moments (all the nominations and the winner): Rob Kemp (Beatlesjuice and The Elvis Dead)

Best Use of a Building Since it was Public Swimming Baths: Finlay and Joe: Pretend It’s Fine

The Inevitable Award: Bad Clowns: Long Live the King

The Gromit Trophy: Iago in Iago Speaks up until Iago spoke

Oddest thing on the Cowgate: The Mothman Cometh-ing towards me

The Stuff of Nightmares: Aidan Pittman dressed as The Childcatcher

The Ridiculous: God’s Longest

And there you go, from the sublime, through to the ridiculous.

Toodle pip!

I know my onions, yes I do

Have you seen the price of onions lately? Okay, so I don’t pay much attention to the price of staples usually, but when a bag of three, yes, three is £1.10 in the local Tesco’s!! In a bag too (why?), I prefer to pick my own, especially at that price (bagged vegetables have a nasty habit of having the odd dodgy one, don’t you find?) No, I didn’t buy any onions there. And breathe.

I missed the anniversary of the first Bruce On The Fringe Fringe Awards yesterday. I say I missed, hmm, missed or procrastinated the entire day?! The double Fringe there was deliberate, by the way, in case of any non-Fringe Awards I choose to bestow in the future, you never know. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook (and why not??) you may have noticed the latest pic on my storyline featuring flyers and cut-outs, and so, without further ado,

Mesdames et monsieurs, ceux entre et ceux au-delà, welcome to the Bruce on The Fringe Fringe Awards 2023!

Best Epic Fantasy Adventure: Shadow Kingdom

Best Double Feature: Voloz Collective with The Man Who and The Life Sporadic

The Pugwash Trophy: Max Norman: A Pirate’s Life For Me

As the Actress Said: to the Bishops

Best Flounce: Yippee Ki Yay

Best Bedcaps: Finlay and Joe: Past Our Bedtime

Best Blood and Gore: How to Eat a Bear

Best Game of Jenga (ever): Laser Kiwi: Rise of the Olive

Best Docucomedy: The Last Gun

Loveliest Fringe Thing: Mark Twain’s The Stolen White Elephant

Best Fringe Follow-up: Grubby Little Mitts: Hello, Hi

Most Beguiling Poster: Ginzel’s Little Cordoba: A Double Bill

Best Aidan on the Fringe: joint winners, Aidan Goatley and Aidan Sadler

Yes, maybe a couple pictured didn’t make the final cut but they were so so close. And what? No Best Musical Moment nominees this year?! Nope, my favourite, hands down winner will be on Instagram shortly. That’s it from me, and thank you to everyone who brought shows to Edinburgh this August, I may not be real, but for a few weeks there you made me feel alive ❤️

Amused mooses, ACMSs and now the Brucies

It’s late, I’ve been medicating my sore throat with strong dry cider, I think it’s working, or?! Anyhoo, Mesdames et Monsieurs, Welcome to the Bruce On The Fringe Fringe Awards 2022! These winners have been picked from 52 shows (not counting return views); there’s been some stiff competition this year – so I took a leaf out of the ACMS’s approach and made up awards to fit.

Best Zomcom: Apocalypse Kernow

Best Pomelo: Palimpsest

Best Sci-fi: Space Hippo

I’m still pondering Best Musical Moment, first nomination is the Miracle Glass Company performing Look At You Now (it was mighty fine)

Best Use of a Red Hat: The Man Who Thought He Knew Too Much

Most Macabre: Famous Puppet Death Scenes

Smartest Suited: The Flop – A Band of Idiots

Second nomination for Best Musical Moment is Blueswater performing The Wizard (epic)

Best Creepy Mouse Costume: Neil Frost – Nan’s House Of Fun

Best Hans Gruber Impression: Yippee Ki Yay

Most Tenacious: Aidan Goatley

Third nomination for Best Musical Moment is Nicole Smit for every moment she’s onstage

Most August: Thom Tuck

Best Kitchen Utensils: Steve and Shirley Sieve

Best Washing Machine Operator: John-Luke Roberts

Fourth nomination for Best Musical Moment is Accordion Ryan’s ability to go so low

Most Absurd Bird Impressionist: Luke Rollason

Best Avian Messenger Trainer: Christian Brighty

Best Furniture Movers: Grubby Little Mitts

Fifth nomination for Best Musical Moment is Carl Marah not falling off his stool in Binkies

Sweetest Fringe Thing: Accordion Ryan

Sexiest Fringe Thing: Rob Kemp

Silliest Fringe Thing: Crybabies – Bagbeard

And that’s it for this year. Pardon? Who won Best Musical Moment? I’m gonna take another leaf off ACMS’s tree and not bother declaring a winner.

Toodle pip!

this year’s Bruce On The Fringe Fringe award winners